| Things always have that way.... |
[Aug. 11th, 2009|09:04 pm] |
It happens, whether or not it was meant to. Sometimes there is something we can do, sometimes there is nothing.
Sometimes you just have to fight the no-win scenario, because it's what you really believe in.
I said what I meant.
I meant what I said.
I have no regrets.
I don't know what the hell is up with my life anymore, but things are going very poorly with my mom now. That's okay.
It feels so good to know you're right, in a situation you could never win, when all you're used to is a situation where you are mostly right, where you both share the blame.
There is no stopping the bullet I shot. There is no stopping the car I started.
There is desperation and accusation from her, and cool responses from me.
Fixing what is broken is meaningless if you will undo it all anyway.
Cheers, because for once, it feels good to be right, and it feels good to stand up for what you believe in.
Once again, Hail to the victorious Dead. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 27th, 2009|01:13 pm] |
I am in Canada, after a 35 hour drive. I drove for five hours of it. Not too bad, if I do say so myself. We're staying at my Aunt's for a while, though technically I guess I am. We got here around 4 colorado time. We're in a place called Summerstown. It's pretty nice. Filled with spiders, though.
No idea what's going on at my house. My mom shut off my cell phone while I'm here. Told me it was cause she didn't want me making calls. Bah. So now if I get seperated from my dad while I'm camping, I can totally use my phone to start a fire, y'know, instead of calling my dad or something. Or the police. Or any number of emergency situations. I guess I can still call the police. They just won't know where to find me, is all. Oh well.
I miss Alexis a ton though. Alexis not being here kinda makes the trip worse for me. I don't enjoy things as much when she's not with me. I suppose I'll have to deal with it for now.
Anyway, hope things are going well for everyone. I'm gonna go clean a basement. |
|
|
| Moar Updates. |
[Jul. 22nd, 2009|03:28 pm] |
He was served. Restraining order and divorce papers.
We're winning. |
|
|
| Well, less 'fuck' this time. |
[Jul. 21st, 2009|11:06 am] |
Things are going just as badly, pretty much.
He's not canceling the internet. My mom restored his phone. My mom filed for divorce and some other stuff, but he's at his sister's house. We asked about 20 people, and everyone said no except Dillon (to serve him).
He went over, and they lied. To their next door neighboors face, they lied. And then, I saw Jack in the window, watching Dillon leave. What a cunt.
My mom has the house locked down when she's gone, and i have to stay here. Suck.
Oh well. Alexis is great, Kyle is great, Sam is great. Those are the people who have helped me so far. I love you. All three. =]
And to anyone from PT who is reading, thanks for caring enough to read, I guess. |
|
|
| Fucking fuckers fucking every fuck fuckity little fucking thing. |
[Jul. 19th, 2009|09:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | On The Verge | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Simple Man - Shinedown | ] |
Fuck.
What the hell am I to do? My mom and Jack are getting separated. He's disconnecting the internet, she disconnected his phone. My mom has had surgery on BOTH her hands, what the hell will she be doing? I don't fucking know, do you? I'm gonna be in Canada in less than one week. LESS THAN ONE FUCKING WEEK. And so will my dad. Do you have any fucking idea what's going to happen? God fucking dammit. I'm tired of this bullshit. There's going to be nothing I can do if Jack chooses to do something. I'm gonna write up a contract for my door, lock it, and seal it if I can.
Fuck... He's gonna take the jeep. The only car my mom can drive, because of her hands. He's calling his attorney today or tomorrow. I've decided to break something of his, don't know what yet. But I will. To make me feel better. It'll disappear though, not be left around broken.
God.. He's gonna steal my shit, like he did last time. I'm not looking forward to any of this bullshit. Not one bit of it, except that asshole will be gone.
We'll probably lose the house. Have a car my mom can't even drive. God knows where I'll be living. Just in time for my one year anniversary, Sam coming to visit, and my and my sister's birthdays.
Awesome. There is, of course, the regular bullshit still going on. And i feel like I should just break down and cry. But I can't even do that anymore. That's not even a fucking option for me, even though that's what I want. Do you know why? Because my mom and my sister need someone who isn't crying. Someone who can sit there stoically, and think. And they won't have that for two and a half weeks.
This might be too much to ask you guys, and I already know you know who I'm talking to. I could really use your help right now, guys. I don't know what will happen, but man.. I could really use some help.. And i think my family will too. I feel like an asshole asking, but could someone just try to help them while I'm gone?
I don't know what to do anymore.
Could someone call or something and tell me if they're willing to help? |
|
|
| Micheal Jackson shouldn't be remembered. |
[Jul. 7th, 2009|01:44 pm] |
I think it's time we stopped, and though about those who had recently passed away. Billy Mays, Fara Faucet, and MJ.
Billy Mays will forever be remembered as "that guy from tv."
Farrah Fawcett as "that one bitch Tony wants to bang from Charlie's Angels."
And MJ as... well, I'm not really sure. They guy who made minor differences in Africa? The man who invented music? The king of pop? The guy who molested children?
The answer is the king of pop. Why? Micheal Jackson's music wasn't spectacular. It was decent for pop. I was never brought to my knees by the power of his music. I've never stopped and thought "Man, that's deep" while listening to it. No.
But when i told my mom that I'd rather watch Billy Mays funeral than MJ's, she was shocked. Billy Mays made a bigger impact on my life. It's true. I will never forgot Oxyclean, or his voice. Micheal Jackson will fade in my memory as a sub-par musician.
I mean no offense to Micheal, i really don't. I mean offense to his fans. These foolish, floundering followers. Why did my mom tell me MJ will be remembered? Because of the good things he did. Bullshit. He's going to be remembered because he made music that appealed to the people.
Micheal Jackson did nothing in comparison to so many others. Nothing. Mother Teresa. Her funeral wasn't quit as big as MJ's. Probably 1/50th the size. My god. I hold a deep-seated hatred of religion, and I can say with honesty she made the world a better place. Far better. She helped make this world more tolerant. She feed this world. She taught others to be good. And she'll be remembered. But not because she was famous. Because she did good things. She became famous BY doing good things. MJ doesn't deserve to be remembered in a fashion greater than her. Teresa didn't do it for fame, or money. She did it for the people. Or maybe so she could say she earned her spot in heaven. Either way, the same is not true for MJ. He didn't do enough for humanity to be remembered by it. Humanity has no idea who he is. His family does. And they can miss him. He deserves that. But he doesn't deserve this. Millions of people mourning his death, people that didn't even know him. Or see him in real life. My mom compared him to Elvis, to John Lennon.
I disagree. Maybe this is because I didn't like his music, and John and Elvis deserve to be music legends. But John Lennon did far more for this world than MJ. My mom was telling me all the things MJ did for peace. Bullshit. Why will he be remembered over Muhammad? Ghandi?
Because it's true. He will be. And it disgusts me.
Instead of remembering MJ as a person, lets remember the people that deserve it instead.
Let's move humanity forward by taking Ghandi and Mother Teresa into our minds, and spreading what they did for the world.
Fuck Micheal Jackson. |
|
|
| A lack of knowledge |
[Apr. 9th, 2009|06:27 pm] |
I feel like I don't tell you guys enough when I'm actually happy, instead of insanely depressed or angry, which is usually what I write about. It probably doesn't matter to much to you guys anyway, but that's okay.
I've just been insanely happy, for the most part. And yeah, in large due to Alexis. Even with what happened before, I consider myself lucky to have her.. I can't really express what I'm thinking right now, just that I'm happier with her than I thought possible. But I don't care if you guys are going to have the outlook of a cynic, because I know I would have done the same with you, and probably still will. But I really think that I'm looking at the rest of my life, in her. Maybe I'm an idiot, maybe I'm a fool, but it seems worth it. In fact, it is worth it. And I can imagine what most of you are thinking right now. Jacob is thinking that I'm getting too involved too early, and that I'm going to miss out. Spencer is probably thinking that I'm just going to end up breaking up with her anyway, and Kyle is probably thinking about going to go masturbate. But I don't know what Sam is thinking. And that is disappointing, because I know I should. Pour some out for ones homies.
But yeah, I regret telling her I loved her within the first month. Because looking back, I know I didn't mean it, because I could define what i was feeling. Now I can't, and now I know that I mean it when I say it.
I always thought I'd want to argue with the person I loved, but now I know I was wrong, because just thinking about actually fighting with her hurts. It hurts. I never actually thought I'd like someone this much.
I high five Kyle.
I give Spencer a nod.
I shake Jacob's hand.
I send Sam a StumbleUpon page.
I tell Alexis I love her. |
|
|
| Game Journal 1 |
[Mar. 26th, 2009|10:37 pm] |
I played much today.
In Pawn Tactics- Went from rank 750 to rank 175.
In Dead Space- Went from middle of Chapter 1 to middle of Chapter 2.
In Little Big Planet- Played 2 levels
Misc. - Played on Windows live games
- Played Bloon Tower Defense 3 (And won)
"I am become rake, landscaper of lawns." - player
Fuck you snow. FUCK YOU. God will smite you, bitch ass snow. I'm tired of your shit. Why don't you melt yourself already? No one wants you here, ruining plans and such. I don't even have fucking school. Makin' me play vidjeo games and such, all day long. I don't have time for this, snow. I have shit to do. Bitch. Your mom is whore.
Fuck.
So, how is everyone? I miss you guys. (Spencer, Jacob, Kyle, Sam) Everyone else is invisible to me. All of you. Invisible. but I love you four. Srsly. We should hang out. Espesially you, Sam. It's been a while. Come visit. Don't be an ass face. Go stumbleUpon, teachin' me FF tricks and such. Ho ho ho. So it's been a while since I updated this. I guess it happens.
I love you. |
|
|
| Remember, friends... |
[Feb. 16th, 2009|08:04 pm] |
Girls do not pee out of their vaginas.
DON'T YOU DARE FORGET. |
|
|
| Nine. Days. |
[Jan. 18th, 2009|08:55 pm] |
Nine days since anyone posted. Nine. That's ridiculous. So I broke it. Now it's 0 days. It'll be nine again, I'm sure. But not for at least another nine days. But this post doesn't say anything significant. In fact, it'd probably be better if you just stopped reading.
Hell, it's so insignificant, I'm just going to stop typing.
Right now. |
|
|
| Into the Fire |
[Jan. 5th, 2009|11:09 am] |
And let the fire burn you,
Let the fury encompass you.
And call out in anger,
Call out to you in confusion.
And face the wrath of your love,
Face the death of your happiness.
And fire on the ones you love,
Fire with a gun of rage.
And take one more day,
Take one more try.
And let the fire burn you,
Let the fury encompass you
And let the rage bury you
Let the anger become you.
And yet discern the truth,
Discern your place.
And realize it is not rage,
Realize it is not fury.
But know that it is sadness. |
|
|
| The tears that hide your anger, The anger that hides your tears. |
[Jan. 5th, 2009|10:02 am] |
I would rather be dead than to have two in the morning happen to me. Shot, burned, frozen, I don't care... 2:05 marked the begining of the worst day of my life, this morning. Contact fell out, speakers stopped working, and oh yeah, my girlfriend cheated on me. There's that.
I want to be dead.
Oh, hey, guess what? Spencer, Jacob! It was John! You guys were totally right. I was way too overprotective of Alexis. That's why she's sucked John's cock. But it wasn't a spur of the moment thing, because they had hung out, four, maybe five times? She didn't let him touch her, and she didn't "really" kiss him. Thank god, right?
But I can't even be mad. I can't. No one ever seems to believe me when I say something like this.. "Dude, you're probably just being overprotective." That's what I get. Good. Good. Good. Now I know what I did wrong.
She hasn't eaten anything in four days, and hasn't slept in 3. Because of how bad she feels.
But I'm not going to break up with her... You should have heard her last night. She was crying so much, I almost started feeling bad for her. Almost. God, how weak I've become.
I'm going to hurt John.. No less than five punches to the face. The coward said to Alexis "I have enough to deal with without Tyler kicking my ass" when Alexis told him she was going to tell me. But he'll be hurt.. God will he be hurt.
Someone had texted Alexis last night... "This is Truth."
"This is Alexis.... Who are you?"
"Who I am does not matter, what matters is that you cheated on Tyler."
"Did John tell you?"
"No. You have until Friday to tell him, or we'll tell him for you."
Who is this guardian that has come to my aid? Who is Truth? May Tyr grant them safety in the years to come, for truly I owe Truth much. Alexis was planning on telling me anyway, I could tell something was wrong.. Thank god it was so minor. Thank the fucking Lord.
She carved a W in her arm for "Whore," and she was close to killing herself... But I told her she wasn't allowed to hurt herself, or kill herself, or be less careful, or anything of the sort. She actually told me she wanted me to beat the shit out of her.
Let There Be Tears In The Eyes Of The Sons Of Our Fathers.
Amen. |
|
|
| Blinded by the fury. |
[Jan. 5th, 2009|12:05 am] |
I feel like breaking things. Like hurting people. Specific people. I want to see them suffer, and die.
Am I shaking with rage, or sadness?
I want to hurt him so. Fucking. Badly.
Maybe I'm being too overprotective, like they said.
But I'm not the type of guy who lets some fucker like John tell my girlfriend he loves her. |
|
|
| Get on your knees. |
[Dec. 18th, 2008|07:01 pm] |
Fuck Wendy's. Man, now i feel sick. Oh well.
I sit her procrastinating, and yet, I feel accomplished. Such a strange combination of irony and accomplishment. Espesially since I feel ironic because of the accomplishment.
I'm feeling pretty cynical as of late. As usual, I have told no one. Why bother? Having a girlfriend shouldn't change everything I do. So I'll continue to tell everyone nothing until someone asks.
On and off depressed, on and off anger. I'm the happiest, and yet, most depressed I've ever been. The double bladed knife of life, right? I've got the land, but they've got The View.
As life gets longer, awful feels softer, and it feels pretty soft to me. And if it takes shit to make bliss, well I feel pretty blissfully. If life's not beautiful without the pain, well I'd just rather never ever even see... beauty again. As life gets longer, awful feels softer, and it feels pretty soft to me.
I hate being jealous though. Because I've never really been jealous except for these last two and a half months. I listened to half of In Rainbows, Spencer. And some more Wolf Parade. and some of Feel Good Ghosts. I'm trying man.
My mind raced so fast with all the things I wanted to write down, I lost all the flow.
Well it messed up the function and shit fucked up the flow.
Now lets all fade to black. |
|
|
| I'm done. |
[Oct. 15th, 2008|10:09 pm] |
I'm done clinging to a decadent past. People you have to try to be friends with aren't worth it. So I'm just going to remove you from every little thing I have, and forget about you. Because I never meant anything to you, and you never should have meant anything to me. It was my mistake to even think about any of you as even friends. Because you're all so damn disappointing.
So goodbye to the three of you. I won't miss you. |
|
|
| Sometimes... |
[Oct. 9th, 2008|08:00 pm] |
Sometimes I like to think of the little differences I've made in my friend's lives. Nothing major, but the things that might actually stick with them for the rest of their days. It's nice to see that I might actually have helped people, even if it seems completely trivial to most. I take solace; and a sense of pride in it.
This was probably one of the better days of my life. I enjoyed the company of Kyle and Jacob. Went to Kyle's house for the first time in a while and actually hung out. Talked to Jacob in a way that wasn't just civility and basic manners, we actually had a deeper conversation like we used to. Didn't spend much time with Spencer, and I didn't spend any with my dad, but I did spend a fair bit with Alexis.
Man, I'm really digging on today. That floating feeling. I think that today, everything went more or less.. right.
It feels weird having a girlfriend though. I'm not used to it. Been stopped for PDA roughly... 12 times? 12 seems fairly ridiculous but whatever. There isn't a consequence, so why not.
I don't know how the rest of my life is going to turn out, but I hope it's like this. Family behind me, girl to my left, friends to my right. Yeah, there are a few people I'd like to see dead and no longer bothering me, but y'know what, Jack is the only one who has even a chance of affecting my life greatly, and I'm just not gonna let it happen. Fuck Jack. He's not worth my anger, or my rage. Fuck a lot of people in fact. They'll get what they don't deserve, and what they aren't worth regardless, though.
I think brinner had something to do with how happy I am, which sounds ridiculous, I know. Maybe it was watching Scrubs and contemplating more of my life. Either or, life is good right now.
Spencer's post reminded me of something.. I stopped remembering my dreams. I miss them, cause dreaming is like thinking about anything and everything, including things I never could before. It's a shame, because I prefer most nightmares to not dreaming at all..
Can't wait till tomorrow. Time with Alexis, time with my dad. Tomorrow is going to kick ass or suck balls, and I don't think I'm going to let it suck balls.
Hail to the victorious dead. |
|
|
| Decisions and their ramifications on life |
[Sep. 28th, 2008|07:19 pm] |
I made a lot of decisions this morning, sitting around, singing to Cloud Cult and Modest Mouse.
I'm cutting my hair 2-3 inches. Not that big, I know. I'm getting my permit this week, getting the book on Monday. I'm going too look for a job on Monday. And Tuesday. and Wednesday. I'm going to exercise. Every night. In fact, I already started. I'm going to eat better. I'm going to drink V8. Which I suppose is eating better. I'm going to stop being outgoing in the classes I don't have m/any friends in, because I don't want any more friends. I have the ones I want, and maybe too many.
I feel good. Damn good. Homecoming was worth it. I would have paid 30. Probably more, if I had had more.
I also realized something. I'm a very depressed person. Because I felt so good at Homecoming.. and I started to realize I always felt that way. And that depression has become my norm, so far into the fact that I no longer realized I'm depressed, and that average is now my "good" and good is now my "amazing." Because that how I answered questions this day. "I'm fucking amazing." Without fucking, of course, since I was talking to my dad. I also answered with "happy." Which hasn't happened in a very long time.
Overall, I'm in a great mood.
Oh, I also realized I want to kill someone before I die. I really do. Dunno what it is, but I think I will. Not anyone worth their metal, of course. Probably some douche bag that picks a fight with me in some way, shape, or form. Because I want to cause someone else to die. Someone who I think doesn't deserve life... In the way of taking it from people who do. Hell, maybe it's a little hypocritical, but I don't mind much what you think anymore. Only four of you bastards have opinions that mean anything to me, so c'mon, go ahead. Tell me how sick and wrong I am. Make my day. |
|
|
| Well |
[Sep. 24th, 2008|10:54 pm] |
Today I helped build a trailer. Did the cat litter and took out the trash. Read the Pardoner's Tale, did a worksheet on it, got my homework of rmath, science, and gov done in class, did my vocab, and wrote out my essay, which is twice as long as necessary. And I feel good. Of course, then I think of my back hurting and I'm angry, but what the hell, I'll take it.
"It'd be better if you rolled on the tarp to get all the air out of it." - Tyler
"No no, it's trapped in there.. all the air is combusted cause it can't get out, know what I mean?" - Jack
"No... combusted usually means fire... Do mean.. compressed?" - Tyler
"Whatever." - Jack |
|
|
| Beowulf in a nutshell |
[Aug. 15th, 2008|04:14 pm] |
"You r noob. you r brav n such but you LOST!" - Some guy introduced as antagonist last second
"No, you are stupid and drunk. I are win. I KILL SEA MONSTERS, AND AM BETTER THAN YOU." -Beowulf
"Beowulf is win! Give him food!" - Hrothgar, king of the Danes
"It pleases me to give heros booze." - Queen of the Danes
"I am too coward to watch you fight grendel. GL." - King
"I WILL FIGHT NAKED BECAUSE THIS IS FAIR. IF HE IS NAKED, I AM NAKED." - Beowulf
Wow. Just wow. This book is crap. All it does is repeat everything. How great Beowulf is. It's like a fucking fan novel. I don't care how great a protector the king is. Stop mentioning it every god damn time you mention the king. Don't read this book. Ever. |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
master_kinlin's journal